Thoughts on 30

Today I turn 30 years old, and embrace it with open arms.

I was not sure how I would feel about 30, when it actually happened, but I am thrilled to be alive in this decade and shed my 20s. My 20s did not suit me anymore.  Especially, the past 3-4 years, so much has changed in my life and it is only fitting that the decade does, as well.

If there were a word to sum up my 20s, it would be “should.” I hit the ground running accomplishing the “shoulds” on my list. I plowed through my education and kick started my career, as I “should” do. I signed up for, and ran far too many marathons and half-marathons, because I “should” constantly be challenging myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do not only what I thought in my mind I “should” do, but also, what other people thought I “should” do.

I was not always kind to myself. I was not always present in happy moments. I got to a place where I realized my life was all about achievements, anxiety, stress, to-do lists and planning the next thing.

It was not about peace or happiness.

I slowly made some changes until something propelled to make big changes.

I never thought I would be planning my father’s funeral when I was 28 years old, but that is what life threw at me. I remember thinking, “I am only a kid, I can’t do this,” and I immediately cried to my mommy.  However, having to deal with my father’s murder forced me to question how I was going to travel on difficult paths. How was I going to cope? I started practicing much healthier coping mechanisms that have helped me a great deal in my grief journey.

My early 20s were about checking off every to-do list box, so I had better control of the world around me. Later on, I started relinquishing some of that control and became OK with not always knowing what was next.

My first plane ride was when I was 20 years old. I was scared of travel and the unknown, but later became determined to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and get outside the world, as I knew it. I have been fortunate enough to connect with the earth across the United States and in Spain, Portugal, Morocco and China.

I am 30.

I start reading in bed around 8:00 and can make it to 9:00, on a good idea.

I get drunk off 2 glasses of wine.

I still make to-do lists, but am OK with not completing them.

I am kinder to myself.

I question whether I am content or complacent because there is still a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I “should” be doing more.

I am at peace with the voices in my head.

I do not have major goals or achievements that I would like to complete by the time I am 40, if anything, maybe just a theme. I would like the theme of my 30s to be about kindness, not only to myself, but all living beings and the earth. If I can do that for ten years, it would truly be an accomplishment.

Thank-you, mom and dad, for the opportunity to learn, grow and experience this amazing world.

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8 thoughts on “Thoughts on 30

  1. Have a great birthday! I turned 30 this year and it was a good milestone for me – less of “I’m getting old” and more of “this is who I am and I like her!” Sounds like you have an amazing attitude and will have another amazing decade!

  2. Gefeliciteerd met je verjaardag en veel succes met een “vriendelijk” decennium!

    “Congratulations on your birthday and much success with a “nice (exact translation is friendly)” decade!”

  3. you are an amazing woman angel. your so beautiful,smart and sooo energetic and full of life. though i dont see you girls much,i keep up with you on fb and love all that you ,your mom and sisters do and enjoy. i love you cousin and hope your birthday was great!!! your cousin..LUPE M.CHAGOLLA

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